Why Dutch People are so Tall

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

1. William of Orange was cursed by a witch.

A witch, said to be a scorned lover, placed a curse upon William of Orange and his people. From that day forth all Dutch men have been cursed to be tall, yet retain the face of a pubescent child until they’re at least 40.

As for Dutch women, the curse is genetic, but the babyface thing seems to be on the Y chromosome.

2. Procrustes pays a visit to all Dutch citizens on their 18th birthday.

Procrustes, bandit of Greek legend famous for stretching people until they fit onto a bed, is real, and he’s contracted by the Dutch government to pay every citizen a visit on their 18th birthday. Ask any Dutchie about their 18th birthday, most will go pale remembering a gigantic, terrifying bandit arriving in the dead of night and stretching them until they were at least 180cm tall.

3. Dutch primary school children are fed Human Growth Hormone (HGH).

Deemed “a balanced breakfast” by the Dutch ministry of education, since the mid 1980’s HGH has been fed in large quantities to children between the ages of 5 and 13.

4. Very few people in the Netherlands will ever suffer from mal- or undernutrition.

Stunted growth is almost always the direct result of malnutrition or undernutrition. The Netherlands is a developed country located in Europe, with a high per-capita income, functional government, and an effective social safety net. How lucky you are.

Really it’s not at all surprising that not only the Netherlands, but most of Europe is far taller than the global average.

5. People shorter than 170 cm were once routinely rounded up and shot.

Up until the start of the second world war, Dutch citizens shorter than 170cm were often rounded up and shot. Their bodies were used as tulip fertilizer. The net effects of this practice on the Dutch economy is, to this day, hotly debated amongst economists.


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