Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
Ancilla ‘Scourge of the Canals’ van de Leest, a politician and pornographic actress turned pirate empress, made waves last month after announcing she would step down as head of the Piratenpartij in order to ‘focus on her own projects’. Little did anyone suspect that those projects included literally becoming a pirate.
Since her swashbuckling debut, she and the crew of the VHS Confidential have completely evaded authorities. This incident is just the latest in a marathon series of raids weighing heavily on the minds of Groningers.
When asked why Van De Leest is still at large, a police department spokesperson said that the blame lies in part with the city’s bureaucracy.
‘We’ve filed so many requests to get them to stop opening the bridges for her,’ said the spokesperson. ‘But the process is so hard to navigate that I have to admit: even we have no idea how it works.’
They would like to offer the city some hope, however. ‘We’d like to assure the public that we’re working around the clock to bring these vile individuals to justice,’ the spokesperson continued. ‘We hope that their eventual capture will help the victims of these heartless actions find peace.’
While thus far these raids have resulted in no casualties, according to the police department, the activities of the pirates have caused millions of euros worth of property damage. The UK sought out some of the victims hit hardest.
Armando Geha is a houseboat resident and was one of Captain van de Leest’s first victims several weeks ago. ‘It was weird. They were all wearing latex suits,’ said Armando. ‘Ancilla came in and threatened me with a whip while her crew made copies of all my stuff. Then they left without actually taking anything. I was mad about the copies, but she said the copies were for ‘personal use’ whatever that means. So I guess that’s okay.’
It was obvious that the emotional trauma Mr. Geha had sustained was making the interview difficult, so we elected to pose no further questions. We did promise to honour his request to ‘give Ancilla his number’ if we managed to track her down.