Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
‘Oh boo-hoo, the little Nazi’s upset about something’, said an anonymous source close to the issue. ‘Too many immigrants? Poor you, your life is so hard.’
These admittedly inflammatory comments echoed the sentiments of many Groningen inhabitants both international and Dutch this past week, all of whom think the neo-Nazis are trying way too hard to find something to be upset about.
‘I honestly have no idea what they’re mad about’, said an international student from the United States. ‘The job market? Too many minorities? Come on, there’s like four black people in the whole country. And jobs? You only need to work one job here to be able to afford a roof over your head, it’s great.’
Even some of the marchers were disillusioned. Many who rsvp’d on social media were too embarrassed to actually bother to show up in person. One who did show her face reached out to the UK and said that she was tricked into participating in the rally.
‘I’m actually an environmentalist’, she said. ‘When they were talking about marching against ‘invasive species’, I thought they meant plants and stuff, not people!’ Once the true nature of the rally became apparent, the marcher says she attempted to leave, but the other protestors threatened her.
‘They asked if I was leaving because I hated gay people’, she said. ‘I was so confused! I don’t hate gay people, but I don’t like Nazis either.’
Finding common ground
Counter-demonstrators outnumbered marchers four to one at last week’s rally. While the refugee community has been understandably less than friendly towards the Nazis, there are those attempting to extend an olive branch.
‘Honestly, you’d think that Nazis of all people would sympathize with the feeling of being unwanted’, said one refugee. ‘It’s not like I even particularly want to be here; I’d much rather be at home. Seriously, if being at home and being alive weren’t mutually exclusive I would never have moved.’
‘If the Nazis would just listen, maybe they’d find out we have more in common than they think’, said another. ‘I get it! We’ve all got our problems! You don’t like people who are different, you feel like the government doesn’t listen to you and you post about it on the internet; I watched my child bleed to death in my arms, and I relive it every night in my dreams. When I fall asleep, I can hear her pleading with me to make it stop, whispering ‘it hurts’ over and over as her blood soaks into the dirt. See? I totally get you.’
‘Sucks about the kid, I guess’, responded one neo-Nazi representative. ‘But as I always say: ‘better dead than hurting our economy.’’