Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
After inquiring at Career Services only to discover it is not open on Sundays, the student was quoted as saying, ‘I went to the trouble of coming all the way here, who cares if they’re not open? The least they can do is give me a fulfilling, yet not too-difficult job.’
Experts have theorized that the average Groningen-area millennial university student must bike a staggering four blocks to even have access to Career Services. However, independent investigation by the Universiteitskrant reveals that this may be a low-ball estimate, with a trip to Career Services necessitating biking between seven and ten blocks for many students.
The medical faculty was unavailable to comment on the health implications of these findings.
Student Body Speaks Out
We at the Universiteitskrant turned our ear to the community and found that the issue ran far deeper than it may have first appeared: ‘Is their logo a comma, or an apostrophe?’, demanded one source, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘Why is it blue? And what’s with this university putting punctuation in their logos? First all those slashes, and now this? I’m extremely upset.’
Many students feel they don’t understand the purpose of the Career Services Desk. A popular opinion among Economics and Business students is that it would maximize students’ utility if they simply handed out envelopes full of money.
Further investigative reporting yielded several thought-provoking contributions, including:
‘We have a career services desk?’
‘Sorry, I don’t have any spare change. Please leave me alone.’
‘Who are you? How did you get in my house?’