Chemical fire ‘no concern’

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

Since Tuesday, university administrators have assured students that the oppressive heat and noxious smoke billowing from the main wing of the third floor is ‘nothing to worry about.’

‘Of course, the odd chemical fire is to be expected. The interior paint is heat resistant for a reason,’ said one administrator, addressing a small crowd of upset students. ‘And fortunately we finished digitizing our remaining priceless, irreplaceable manuscripts last year.’

Despite reassurances, the task force assigned to deal with the inferno are finding themselves at a loss. ‘We’re not really sure why it’s not going out’, said a task force member. ‘We’re doing everything that we can, but it looks like we might just have to live with this for a while; honestly, it’s not that bad.’

Saving on Heating Costs

Some are even happy about the fire: one groundskeeper noted gleefully that he hasn’t had to turn on the UB’s central heating once since it started. The administration says this is ‘great news’ since most university buildings cost ‘a fortune’ to heat.

So far, the administration’s rhetoric has assuaged the concerns of most, but not everyone is convinced. While at first the barely contained inferno was considered ‘festive’ by many, the novelty has quickly worn off. ‘The fire’s nice and all,’ said one student. ‘But now the smoke is getting annoying, and it’s simply too hot on the third floor to get any work done.’

‘The final straw was when our access to the vending machines was cut off,’ said another. ‘This is turning into the soup incident all over again.’


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