Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
‘It simply isn’t physically possible,’ a distressed team of engineers told the University Council this past week. ‘We’ve run simulations, and short of installing a hyperloop traveling at mach 26, there’s no way students or staff will ever be able to fit the commute to and from Yantai into their schedules.’
The Council was unconcerned, and promised that they could ‘surely find the money for [a hyperloop] somewhere.’ This reporter assumes the Council meant ‘somewhere in the budget’, but it may be best to note that this was not specified, considering the disturbing rumours that they have been torturing a captive leprechaun for the location of its pot of gold.
After some degree of confusion, the team of engineers clarified that they were not, in fact, proposing building said hyperloop, they merely meant it as a ‘hypothetical example.’
Misunderstanding notwithstanding, the team’s findings substantiate what many students and faculty have been saying for months.
Students and Staff Speak Out
The team of engineers were not the only ones speaking out: independent staff and students made their voices heard as well. The UK gathered statements outside a Yantai meeting recently hosted by the council.
‘I don’t see how they can reasonably expect us to do this’, said one student. ‘It’s taken that delegation months to go! How can we make it in 15 minutes?’
‘I honestly didn’t care much about the students having to hurry a bit between classes,” said a professor. ‘They’re young, they can handle it. But then I heard they wanted professors to teach classes at both faculties! Ridiculous! I have to set up before every class! I know the Council has been telling everyone that Yantai is 6 hours ahead of Groningen, but that doesn’t mean that we’ll have an extra 6 hours to make the trip! That’s not how time zones work.’
A Great Idea
On the whole, many students and staff believe that Yantai is going to be ‘really cool’ and are supportive of the Council and Faculties efforts at working out the kinks. They just hope that the kinks get worked out sooner, rather than later.