Student Biohazards

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

In a memo issued yesterday, the Ministry of Health stated it was ‘shocked and appalled’ by the severity and sheer breadth of the pestilence currently sweeping through the RUG student body. Virtually every student attending the university has spent the past month coughing all over each other as they struggled to make it to classes despite being sick.

‘It happens every year, but somehow it’s still shocking’, said an aide. ‘These students are so gross; having more than a handful of them within a kilometer of each other is a biohazard that’s practically grounds enough to have an entire city quarantined.’

Though the city will not be quarantined, the Ministry of Health has advised people to cover their mouths when they cough, stay home when they’re sick, and keep their hands off other people’s mucous membranes. This advice seems to have not been heeded, as many students continue to sniffle and drip their way through classes.

To make matters worse, the emergency medical tents set up throughout the city have all been swamped by homeless international students who mistook them for an attempt by the University to provide housing.

The economics of pestilence

Normally Groningen’s economy sees a significant upswing this time of year as thousands of students settle into the city. However this year that effect was dampened somewhat due to the fact that literally every student was rendered a hot, disgusting mess at some point during the past month.

‘Epidemics of this scale often have a visible effect on the economy’, said an analyst with the Ministry of Health. ‘Instead of doing student things, like going out and trashing sushi restaurants or spending prohibitive amounts of money on alcohol, they’ve been staying home, only venturing out to buy tissues and medicine at Kruidvat or Etos.’

That said, both Kruidvat and Etos have reported record profits.

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