Third Years: ‘Everything is Under Control’

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

Thesis season is infamously stressful, so UKrant decided to go out and talk to some third year students to get a read on how people are doing. Surprisingly, many are doing better than you might think.

‘Yeah, I’m doing alright’, said a law student that we found crouched in a corner, rocking back and forth. ‘It’s not that much work. I’m on top of all my deadlines.’

Needless to say, we were surprised. We would have loved to continue the interview, but before we could finish asking them about what they wanted to do after graduation, they’d turned a nasty shade of green and had to stumble out of the room.

This was a common theme in most of our interviews, though one student was so moved by our journalism that we heard them sobbing quietly after we’d left the room.

As refreshing as it was to hear that people were doing so well, we suspected there might have been more to the story, so we asked a psychology professor to weigh in.

‘It’s textbook delusions’, she said. ‘They’re not OK and they know it, but that’s what they’ve got to tell themselves for the moment, and then eventually everything will be OK.’

This shed new light on our other interviews, and if any of our interviewees are reading this, we’d like to apologise for causing you any emotional distress. Thesis season is stressful.

For example: this columnist’s laptop literally broke while he was writing this. But if you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t worry, you’re not alone. It might be hard now, but you’ll be fine in the end. Good luck!


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