Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
Every year scores of chairs seemingly evaporate out of classrooms throughout the RUG, never to be seen again, until now. This recurring phenomenon baffled authorities for years, but this past week the mystery was solved by a couple of friends out on the canal.
‘We were just out enjoying the weather, cracking open a cold one with the boys, you know, when our boat ran around’, said Jan Jansen, owner of the boat in question. ‘It was weird, we were quite far out in the water, we thought maybe it was a bike or something.’ Upon closer inspection what Jan thought to be a bike was in fact an enormous pile of chairs. The group pulled out a half dozen themselves, but decided to call the city once it became clear that they were dealing with something big.
Yesterday the city’s canal maintenance service issued a statement estimating that upwards of three hundred chairs had been extracted from the canal thus far, and announcing that salvage efforts were still ongoing.
A bit of a waste
About half of the chairs fished from the canal were not beyond saving, however, the university has decided that restoring them would be too expensive, instead electing to continue with their original plan to purchase replacements.
‘In light of this find, the expenditure on new chairs does feel like a bit of a waste, but we don’t have a better option’, said a spokesperson for the university. ‘It’s actually cheaper to get new ones than it would be to scour all the rust and grime from the ones in the canal. Plus why go to all that effort when there’s a very real possibility that they’ll be taken again? We may know where they’re ending up, but we still have no idea who’s taking them, or how.’
Ever thoughtful, the university has decided to give the chairs away for free to students looking to furnish their apartments for cheap. If you’re interested in a free chair, inquire at the information services desk.