Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
Offered a job as CEO of a multinational corporation? Forced out by Wezeman, who plans to become dean of every faculty by the end of the year? Left for personal reasons?! The possibilities are endless.
Herman de Jong’s sudden departure has left the the FEB reeling. RUG spokesperson Jorien Bakker said she ‘couldn’t comment’ on his reasons for leaving, but that de Jong had told Staff about them in mid October.
Unfortunately, this ‘Staff’ fellow is difficult to find, and while UKrant reporters were searching for him, rumors began to circulate.
‘I heard Ban Ki Moon invited him to join the Illuminati’, said one bachelor’s student. ‘Remember when he visited? That was the day before de Jong told Staff he was leaving. The day before! That’s quite the coincidence, if I do say so myself.’
Another popular theory is that he was forced out by Berend Wezeman. Wezeman will be taking over as interim dean of the FEB, putting him at the helm of two faculties.
‘We’re not even three months into the academic year’, said a mathematics professor. ‘If this trend continues, Wezeman could be in control of as many as six faculties by June.’
Wezeman, who will be splitting his time between the Law Faculty and the FEB, calls this rumour ‘silly’, saying, ‘Why would I want to be dean of more faculties? Control of the law and the economy is more than enough for my purposes.’
Though Wezeman neglected to elaborate on what his ‘purposes’ were, he also stated that even if he wanted to bring other faculties ‘under his rule’ he wouldn’t have time. ‘I need at least two days a week per faculty, come on.’