Local Columnist Deeply Hurt He Wasn’t Appointed Rector Magnificus

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

It was recently announced that Cisca Wijmenga will be serving as the university’s next Rector Magnificus. That’s alright. The other people who applied reportedly didn’t want that dumb position anyway. She can have it.

Wijmenga’s selection was met with much excitement. In fact, certain individuals thought it was a little excessive. They were later quoted as saying they ‘didn’t see what the big deal was’.

However, now it’s been about two weeks, and those individuals have been forced to concede that, even if they preferred another candidate, she might not be the worst choice in the end.

She’s got the resumé: genetics professor, and she won some sort of spinach prize. That’s pretty good. Plus it’s kind of big news since she’ll be the first female rector in the university’s history.

Experts on the subject claim that any of the other hopeful applicants probably shouldn’t have spent like 700 bucks on a set of regal velvet robes that they’re never going to get to wear now. If any of them did happen to do that, it would have definitely been premature.

Additionally, they’d probably also be looking to sell any prematurely purchased robes now. At a discount. Because velvet is really, really not meant for summer.


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