Doerak Given Security Detail After Attempted Abduction

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

Ekko Ros awoke into a nightmare this past weekend. There were masked intruders in his living room, and they were attempting to abscond with his beloved cat, Prof. Dr. Doerak.

Using a broadsword he keeps under his mattress, Ekko managed to fight off the would-be cat-nappers, but the incident left him shaken to his core.

Interest in the Prof. Dr. Doerak’s exploits spiked last year after the feline academic released his bestselling book, and was soon after nominated for a nobel prize. For the most part, Ekko doesn’t mind it, but not all of the interest has been wanted.

‘I knew something like this was bound to happen eventually’, he was quoted as saying. ‘The way things were going, it was just a matter of time.’

Ekko says that on top of the bags of creepy fan-mail, he’s constantly being approached by sleazy business students with “big plans” for his cat. This incident was just the final straw for him.\

‘I’m pretty good with that sword’, he said. ‘But I can’t be there every time some weirdo comes to try their hand at some cat-burglary. I’ve got to sleep. I’ve got a life. This is really a job for professionals.’

As of next week, students searching for Doerak around the Harmonie quad will only have to look for the scary men in suits, and Doerak will surely be nearby.


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