Trapped in the Library

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

Students worry that if they lose their cards while inside the UB, they may be trapped – cursed to wander the halls forevermore with nothing to sustain them but vending machine sandwiches and mediocre coffee.

‘I’m terrified for May first’, says one student. ‘I misplace my card all the time. I’ll think I’ve lost it, only for it to turn up a week or two later in a jar of mayonnaise in my fridge.’ The student shrugs helplessly. ‘What if that happens in the UB? I can’t sleep on those benches for two weeks waiting for my card to turn up! I have to go to class!’

In spite of student concerns, Administration considers the possibility an acceptable risk.

‘The fact of the matter is that those barriers will prevent people from stealing books’, said a librarian. ‘If one or two students end up stuck in the UB indefinitely… well, that’s a risk we’re willing to take.’

Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

The decision was made last year to install the doors after librarians discovered that people were actually taking books out of the library.

‘That’s not what those are for’, said the librarian who made the initial discovery. ‘The books and theses we keep here are meant to be read by exactly one person: the author. And maybe some peer reviewers if they’re lucky. If you want to use a paper for your work just read the abstract of something on Google Scholar and cite that.’

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