Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
Geert Wilders Wakes up Drunk in Rabat,
Last August we kicked off the year with reports that an inebriated Geert Wilders was spotted wandering around the docks in Rabat. Moroccan police dropped him off at the Dutch embassy, but when embassy personnel attempted to question the confused politician he refused to answer any questions until they called him ‘Abu Bakr’.
Student Abducted by Giant Rats
The story that started that infamous investigation into the Genetics Faculty at the UMCG: a student was thrown from her bike and dragged into the Groningen catacombs by a horde of giant rats, never to be seen again.
It was the first in a string of disappearances which eventually led the police to a secret lab under the UMCG, where a disillusioned doctoral student had been creating an army of genetically enhanced super-rats. Fortunately they were dealt with in short order by Genetics Faculty’s own army of giant ferrets, which a spokesperson said they, ‘had been keeping on hand for just such an occasion.’
Ben Feringa Loses Keys to Molecular Motorcar
It finally happened in December, the thing literally everyone in Groningen had been dreading since he won the Nobel Prize: Ben Feringa lost the keys to his molecular motorcar.
Despite the combined best efforts of the entire physics and chemistry faculties the keys were never found. The car, the invention of which earned Feringa the 2016 nobel prize in Chemistry, remains parked on a microscope slide on his desk to this day.
Everyone Remembers That Really Embarrassing thing you did while
Oh wow, we all remember this one. Though, believe me, we wish we didn’t. It was just hard to watch, honestly, but you know how you can’t look away from a car wreck? It was sort of like that. Maybe you should drink a little less, like, I know we’re young, our bodies are basically built for punishment, but… man, I don’t think anyone’s built for that kind of punishment.