Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
A Groningen resident was arrested this past week after he mounted real, working cannons on his houseboat.
Functional weaponry on boats was made illegal last year after the Pirate Party was caught amassing a small navy. Sources say the man knew this, but he made the decision to install the cannons in spite of the ban after the recent arrest of a terror suspect here in the city.
‘What the heck was a terrorist doing in Groningen of all places?’ asks the man. ‘It was just such a shock, but after I calmed down I knew what I had to do. This city is my home, I had to defend it.’
Authorities maintain that the city doesn’t need ‘defending’, especially not by some guy with a weaponised houseboat.
‘In fact’, says a police spokesperson, ‘someone parading their jerry-rigged battleship up and down the canals is pretty much the last thing we need right now.’
Though he has caused quite a headache for the police, ‘Admiral Grunn’ has attracted quite the cult following, with fans rallying outside police headquarters for his release.
‘He’s the hero we deserve’, says one protester, referencing the 2012 Batman film The Dark Knight Rises. ‘I know we’re perfectly safe here, but even so I’d sleep more soundly knowing he was watching over the city.’