Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
‘It was really fortunate that the suspect called to tell us he didn’t do it’, said the police chief, who issued the order to call off the search this past Wednesday. ‘(It) saved us a lot of trouble. Most of the time we have to actually catch them and have a trial to figure out if they’re innocent or not.’
The former suspect, who was seen by multiple people stabbing shoppers outside Albert Heijn last year was reportedly aghast to discover that the police had been looking for him.
‘It was horrible to find out that they thought I’d stabbed all those people’, said the former suspect while showing Ukrant reporters his large collection of knives. ‘Really I was doing, uh, other stuff. Definitely not that.’
The former suspect, who coincidentally donated a large sum of money to the police department a few months ago, said that the entire issue was just a big misunderstanding. While the police thought that he had used a knife to stab multiple people on the street, what actually happened was that he used a medium sized metal implement to randomize a small area on the bodies of several organisms whilst they went about their daily routines.
‘It’s completely different’, said the police chief. ‘Obviously.’
Several detectives disagreed, however, and were fired for creating a hostile work environment.
‘The guy clearly stabbed those people’, said one of the detectives. ‘We even have it on video. I’m astounded that all it took was a phone call for the chief to call off the search.’