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Homeless Students’ Hopes Dashed

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

‘We were starting to lose hope,’ said one student. ‘The only light we’d had in the darkness was last month when Vindicat offered to let students sleep in their treasure vault. When that just turned out to be them trying to make us fight each other for money it was starting to feel like people weren’t taking this issue seriously. Then the tent started going up and we thought someone finally cared.’

Students’ spirits were rekindled prematurely, however, as the massive, cozy-looking tent being erected in the Grote Markt turned out to be for a music festival.

‘We were devastated,’ said another student.

Preliminary estimates place the amount of money spent on the festival right around ‘a lot’, a fact that did not go unnoticed by the city’s population of homeless students.

‘I’m sure they got plenty of sponsorship revenue to offset the costs,’ said Billy Billson, a homeless undergraduate student. ‘But why couldn’t they have sponsored a dorm? Like, put some ads up in the windows or something.’

Feeling dejected, students organised a protest during the festival. Unfortunately the protest was mistaken for a mosh pit, and the students’ voices were drowned out by drunken revelers joining in.

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