Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
At three AM on Monday police responded to a call about a fight in a West-Amsterdam alleyway. When officers arrived on the scene they discovered a breathless Wilders standing over the broken body of his own political career. Of course, Mr. Wilders can do whatever he wants, so the officers could only watch as he lurched unsteadily to his feet and stumbled off into the night, dragging his political career behind him.
‘Geert kept mumbling about moroccans, I think he was drunk’, said one eyewitness. ‘I was going to intervene, but weirdly his political career seemed to like it. It kept saying, ‘choke me, daddy.’ I was really uncomfortable.’
The pair later appeared at a small rally billed as an emergency medical procedure. It was a scene that many in the Netherlands may have become familiar with over the past couple years.
‘This time I may have mistaken my career for an immigrant’, said Wilders, gesturing to the grotesque heap of a political career that he’d dragged on stage with him. ‘But, they say it’s the thought that counts! Next time it’ll probably be an actual immigrant!’
The crowd of supporters found his words inspiring, and their cheers breathed new life into what had a moment ago been a pathetic mess.
Mr. Wilders tearfully thanked attendees, embracing his newly revived career and promising to ‘get those nasty Moroccans who made him do such a horrible thing’.