Bicycle Jesus has Second Coming

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

The Ukrant received this eyewitness account from a student named Matthew, who was present at the scene: The townsfolk, seeing bicycle jesus ride on the lake, were distroubled, saying, “that is a phantom,” and for dread they cried.

And at once bicycle jesus spake to unto them and said, “Have ye trust? I am bicycle jesus; do not ye dread.”

And the townsfolk answered, “Lord, if thou art, command us to come to thee upon the waters.”

And bicycle jesus said, “Come thou, don thine knife shoes.” And the townsfolk donned their knife shoes and walked upon the lake to come to bicycle jesus.

But they saw the wind was strong, and cold, and were afeared; and when one townsperson began to sink he cried out, “Bicycle jesus, make me safe!”

And at once bicycle jesus, holding forth his hand, caught him and hoisted him upon the luggage rack of his holy bicycle. And bicycle jesus said to the townsperson, “Thou of little faith, why hast thou doubted?”

And when he had ascended onto the dock, the wind ceased.

And they that were on the bank came and worshipped him, saying, “Verily, thou art the bicycle messiah.”

As of yet it is unconfirmed whether or not the individual in the orange and black coat cycling on the Paterswoldsemeer was indeed bicycle jesus, however many swore that what they saw was deeply moving regardless.

Photo by Megan Embry
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