It Should Rain More

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

A recent survey administered by the city found that the rain, or rather the lack thereof, is making people unhappy.  Groningen averages a mere 70 mm of rainfall in October. A paltry amount, say Groningen residents, compared to the 150 mm that Laos gets around this time of year.

‘I moved here because I was told it would rain a lot’, said one homeless international student. ‘I wanted a torrential downpour for at least twenty hours per day. These are just run of the mill rainstorms that last barely four or five hours. It’s hardly worth it being homeless if it only rains a little. This is really ruining my student experience.’ The student informed the Ukrant that they planned to bring the issue up with SIB.


DAG, whose election platform last year included making it rain 10 percent more, has brought the issue up at the University Council.

‘We understand that people want it to rain more here’, said a spokesperson for the council. ‘We’ve taken it into consideration, and have come up with a solution: the Yantai campus, if approved, will get enough rain for both cities. In July of 2013 they got a massive 512 mm of rainfall, and that’s not even unusual.’

However, the spokesperson’s words did not seem to represent the feelings of all members of the University Council. A press release issued by DAG called the Yantai stance a ‘cop out’, insisting that while it would raise the average campus rainfall, it would create massive regional rainfall inequalit.

Other members of the council insist that this would be positive change, pointing out that seeing as Yantai would not take rainfall away from Groningen, the new distribution would be pareto optimal.

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