Canteens to be closed

Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

Public outrage was sparked this past week after yet another canteen price hike. The event saw widespread media coverage, as well as a petition for the return of one-euro soup started by students at the Faculty of Theology and Religious Studies.

The administration was not pleased with this, and in a move that some are calling ‘reactionary’, they have decided to shutter all canteens indefinitely.

‘We’ve learned a lot about student entitlement from that housing fiasco earlier this year’, said a spokesperson for the RUG. ‘It’s best if the university isn’t held accountable for things that don’t have to do with education, and from that perspective the canteens are basically wasted space.’

The RUG plans to convert all canteen, cafeteria, and café spaces to classrooms or areas for study by the start of next academic year.

‘The logic of this sound’, said a Psychology Faculty admissions officer, ‘The canteens have as much to do with education as housing does. Students are perfectly capable of buying their own food, and with the additional space we’ll be able to accommodate even more students next year. It’s a win-win.’

Local Small Businesses Thrilled

‘Beijk had a captive audience’, said a local restaurateur. ‘Zernike is so far away from everything that when the–mind you, not insignificant–student body decides where to eat, their choices were basically Beijk or bust. We couldn’t even set up food trucks up there.’

Beijk, the catering company that had been running the canteens was not asked for a comment, but local business owners hope that the change in policy will force students and staff to explore their options a bit more.

‘Culinarily speaking, Groningen isn’t just stamppot and bitterballen’, continued the restaurateur. ‘I mean, it’s mostly that… that and fries… and eirerballen. Anyway, point is, it wasn’t fair that they (Beijk) were getting all the action.’


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