Falsely accused of rape
‘I didn’t know which way was up’
Door Christien Boomsma
By Christien Boomsma
Christien Boomsma
Blijft dit dtaan?Christien is sinds 2016 achtergrondcoördinator bij UKrant. Ze plant de achtergrondverhalen en begeleidt de auteurs. Bij haar eigen verhalen ligt de focus op wetenschap en academisch leven. Daarnaast schrijft ze veel over onderwerpen als sociale veiligheid en maakt ze graag persoonlijke interviews. In haar vrije tijd schrijft ze jeugdboeken en geeft schrijftrainingen.He thought she was acting a little strangely when he saw her during the introduction day at student association Cleopatra. ‘She kind of looked at me funny, but then she disappeared again.’
It was August, 2021, and the association’s new members were meeting with the rest of Cleopatra during a speed-dating event. Student Joost* (30) had no idea he would run into a ghost from his past: Ann*, a girl that had been part of a mutual friend group approximately a decade earlier. ‘It was a very diverse group’, he explains. ‘People from the metal scene, the night life, friends of friends.’
At some point, an argument broke out. He genuinely doesn’t remember what about. ‘There was a lot of melodrama and stuff, but I still hung out with both sides.’ In the end, the group fell apart.
He ran into her once more when he was filming a video for a mutual friend. As far as he was concerned, everything was cool. After that, he didn’t see her again until the introduction day at Cleopatra. ‘She was immediately pretty cold to me, which surprised me. Sure, there was drama the last time we saw each other, but not between us.’
Benefit of the doubt
The way Joost sees it, there was no problem. His motto has always been ‘live and let live’. But then, in November, he found out that Ann was the source of some very serious rumours within the association. ‘My mentor took me aside during a night out’, he says. ‘He said there were rumours about me that he didn’t think matched the person he’d come to know me as. He told me he wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt.’
Ann had been telling people that a number of years ago, Joost had repeatedly raped his ex-girlfriend; a girl who was part of their friend group.
Since I was studying social work, I didn’t want to be associated with rape
‘I’m so grateful for that guy’, he says now. ‘It’s really indicative of his character that he went to the trouble of checking it with me. People don’t do that very often, which I think is a pretty big problem in society today.’
He was, obviously, upset. But he managed to convince his mentor that nothing had happened and decided to ignore the rumours. ‘I asked around a little, but I was worried that if I told too many people, I’d get into trouble. Since I was studying social work, I didn’t want to be associated with this.’
But in January, the whole thing blew up during a night at the pub. Joost had just procured a round of beers for his friends and was about to sit down when Ann tapped him on the shoulder. ‘How dare I show my face around here, she asked. She wanted me to leave.’
Devastated
He tried to stay calm. Told her he didn’t know what she was talking about and that he didn’t want to discuss it with her. He refused her suggestion to talk it out over a cigarette outside. ‘I was like, no way. I was sure she’d do or say something that would make me hit her and then I’d be the bad guy. I didn’t trust her.’
Later, a friend who’d worked at the bar and who also served as a witness for him, told him that Ann had been spreading rumours about him all night. It was after she’d downed her last drink that she decided to confront him.
How dare I show my face around here, she asked
He was devastated, he says. He stayed until the pub closed down, because he didn’t want to show anyone how much it affected him. But when Ann finally left, he was so overcome by sorrow, incomprehension, and anger, that he burst into tears.
In the past, he says, he suffered from mental problems, and this triggered his depression anew. His internship hadn’t been going well for a while, but this time, he called out without a reason. ‘I didn’t know which way was up.’ He just couldn’t get up off the couch.
Even though he contacted his internship company after a few days to explain what was going on, they didn’t want him to come back. Whether it was because of Ann’s accusations, he doesn’t know, but he fears the rumours were enough for him to lose the benefit of the doubt.
Jury
He left the association. As long as Ann was still a part of it, he didn’t want anything to do with them. But a complaint to the association board proved useless. ‘They must have talked three times to every witness. After that, they turned it over to the executive board and when they couldn’t figure it out either, they were supposed to hand it over to the members who had to act like a jury, I guess.’
The whole process took months, he says. All the while, no one was keeping him up to date. It was maddening. ‘If something like this had happened to a girl, it probably would have been handled differently.’
I could imagine a scenario in which I’d made her feel like I was forcing her
Then there was the way he doubted himself. What if he had done something that felt like rape to his ex-girlfriend? Had he crossed her boundaries without realising it? ‘I can get pretty frustrated when things don’t go the way I want to, so I could imagine a scenario in which I was rude, or disappointed, and made her feel like I was forcing her. You can never know for sure how other people perceive things.’
Ultimately, his current girlfriend decided to approach his ex on LinkedIn, to find out what had happened and what her experience had been like. ‘It’s not like I could go talk to her myself. You can’t go up to someone and ask if they think you raped them years ago. So I’m eternally grateful that my girlfriend was willing to do it.’
It took two months before his ex replied. ‘It was nerve-racking.’
But then, he was finally exonerated: His ex said she could barely even remember him. But he had definitely never raped her. She would later repeat this in her statement to the police.
Justice
This was around the same time that Joost went to the police. The Cleopatra board still hadn’t reached a decision, even though association protocols state that matters like this should be resolved within a month. But Joost wanted at least some kind of justice.
He finally has it. Sort of. A few weeks ago, the magistrate convicted Ann, who never showed up to the hearing, and ordered her to pay a fine, since rumours such as these are completely out of line. In fact, spreading rumours like these just once, let alone multiple times, is punishable by law.
I’ve always given people the benefit of the doubt, and this has strengthened that
She was ordered to pay a 225 euro fine. She also had to pay Joost 554 euros in damages. ‘A fucking ridiculous fine’, he says, since the actual damage done was much bigger. If only because he failed his internship and had to do it all over again. ‘I borrow all my student financing, so you do the maths.’
But if the rumour ever crops up again, he says, at least he’ll be able to use the magistrate’s decision as proof. That the case was investigated and the accusation was false.
And yet. The whole incident changed him. Made him more cautious. These days, he thinks twice before complimenting women, as he’s worried that his remarks will be misconstrued. He’s also become more mistrusting. ‘I’ve always been someone who wants to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and this has only strengthened that.’
Now, when a girl says she’s been assaulted, he’s ‘extra cautious’. He still hasn’t shaken off the events of the past year. ‘Not that I wouldn’t believe her, but I guess I’d want to hear the guy’s side of the story, too. But that does make me really sad for everyone involved.’
*Joost and Ann’s names are fake. The editors know their real names.
Response from Cleopatra
Cleopatra’s external officer, Jeroen Wels, says it’s ‘unpleasant and a shame’ for Joost that this rumour was being spread and that he didn’t feel safe at the association. ‘I hope the magistrate’s decision came as a relief and that he’s doing better now.’
He says the association did its best to get to the bottom of the matter. ‘But we’re a student association, and we can’t force people to talk to us.’ That severely hampered the process and slowed it down. The fact that everything took place during the lockdown didn’t help, either.
‘When the confidential committee couldn’t figure it out, we handed the case over to the council, which oversees the board’, says Wels. ‘But when we realised this person had gone to the police, there was nothing else we could do, because we didn’t want to get in the way.’
He’s glad the police were able to resolve the matter. Ann is no longer an association member, although she does still drop by sometimes.
Cleopatra hasn’t talked to Ann after the verdict. At the time, the situation was too unclear. ‘Since she’s no longer an active member of the association, we hardly see her anymore. As far as we’re concerned, the matter is closed.’