You’ve just been served dessert. ‘I ordered chocolate cake!’ you remark, looking down at your plate in horror. ‘It’s in there somewhere!’ the waitress replies.

You leave to find a shovel. Later, you’re walking home. CRACK! Something hits you on the head. A Zwarte Piet scampers away. On the floor, you see a small brown stone, similar to those that coated your cake earlier… What the finger-food is it?

Kruidnoten: the stale sister of ‘speculaas’ and the traditional Dutch Christmas ‘treat’ (yes, they’re genuinely advertised as treats). Piets scatter the stuff on the floors of the city for children to pick up and eat: like farmers sowing their seeds for infantile ideological insemination.

Literally named ‘spice nuts’ in English, kruidnoten dominates the Dutch diets during winter, and is more commonly known among Internationals as ‘ginger nuts’. Personally, I prefer ‘spice nuts’, as I know far too many ginger nuts to avoid becoming confused…

For ninety-seven cents in Albert Hein, you can purchase 3kg of the cheapest ‘koekjes’ around. Better still, bags of these (dog) biscuits are considered acceptable gifts here in Groningen; so, from Kringles to Kruidnoten, Famke’s going to have to fake delight once again for Christmas with her favourite ‘Britse dwerg’.

I have bought a bag for myself before, and, cheered on by the cries of ‘Britse bek’ and ‘poesje’ (I was certain that they were being supportive at the time), I attempted to eat the entire bag in one sitting… only to end up immediately shitting. The aftermath was a toilet filled with biscuits as fresh as they were from the bag, and tasted better too…probably (!).

To the Dutch, kruidnoten goes with everything at this time of year. ‘Koffie? Here, have some kruidnoten! Oh, you want some soup? It’s better with kruidnoten! You’ve just been brutally beaten, force-fed kruidnoten, and then had your leg gnawed-off by a rabid, kruidnoten-crazed dog? Rub some kruidnoten into those wounds!’  So don’t be surprised next time you order some food and find yourself knee-deep in ginger nuts.