I open it with caution, prepared for whatever poisonous gas may linger inside. I start reading… oh no: is this the beginning of the backlash for my Piet article, straight from Sint himself? I listen for some ‘ticking’… What the free-verse is it?

Sinterklaasgedicht. A Sinterklaas day tradition, where a ‘friend’ or family member writes you a poem from ‘Sinterklaas’. The poems are usually very sarcastic, as they’re ‘officially’ written from Sint; well, that’s what the Dutch say. In fact, Dutch sarcasm is simply Dutch directness, and I’ve just had a dose delivered to my door:

Dan,

Sinterklaas has been watching you, along with little Piet,

They both have read your articles, and think you’re a little shit,

I suppose that has to be read in a Mexican-Dutch accent to make sense…

Piet likes your picture, your face, and your eyes,

Anticipating a punch line right about now…

Godverdomme, says Sint, you’re good at telling lies!

Yup.

You criticize kakkers, but you are one yourself,

You’re exactly the kinda guy that would say: ‘je weet zelf!’

And what’s wrong with hair gel? Sint thinks it’s good!

Your head will smell, and so it should!

?

Y’know what makes your column so special and funny?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Is this still Sint talking, or…?

Your tongue, Dutch Dan, is quite the ‘wagger’,

Here, let me fix that with my dagger.

Oh no, it’s Piet.

So it is with this that we shall conclude,

In response to the nonsense that you have spewed,

From Sint and Black Pete, you won’t hear us creep,

Just remember one thing: do not fall asleep…

Brilliant. I’m just going to go sit under a cold shower with a bucket of kruidnoten. Happy Sinterklaas day…

 

If you have any funny Sintklaasgedicht stories, or any that are half as aggressive as mine, let me know in the comments section below!