Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
After confidently improvising an answer in class, local student Bob Manson was feeling pretty good about himself. Little did he know that five seconds into the vague and meandering response, every single person in the room knew that he hadn’t so much as looked at the reading. Not that anyone cared.
‘I guess I feel a bit embarrassed for him’, said one student. ‘But hey, better him than me.’
At press time, the lecturer looked annoyed. She has upwards of a hundred students each semester, most of whom do the reading. ‘My heart breaks when I see a struggling student really trying, and I’ll do everything I can to help them. But with people like Bob, if someone just doesn’t put any effort at all in…’ she trails off. ‘Why even bother coming here? It’s not worth it.’
Bob’s parents, however, disagree with the lecturer. They insist that thousands of euros per year is a small price to pay for the illusion that their son’s life is going somewhere.
‘I admit Bob can be a little difficult at times’, said his father. ‘Really it’s only because he’s so smart. His classes are all too easy; it’s obvious they’re boring him. Hopefully his peers will catch up in next year or so.’
‘If he were at home we’d just worry about his lack of drive and excessive drinking’, said his mother. ‘But the RUG came to us and said that for just a few thousand euros every year, they’d take him somewhere else where we don’t ever have to worry about him. It’s great!’
Bob, who agreed to meet for an interview over drinks on a Tuesday night, thinks it’s great, too:
‘To tell you the truth, I don’t even remember most of that class: I was way too high’, said Bob. ‘But it was a great reading, impostor phenomenon and all that. Supposably [sic] there are frauds everywhere, even like, university professors. Those broads Pauline and Suzanne sure were smart to have figured it out.’ Bob downed his beer and waved at the bartender for another one. ‘Some of these classes are pretty weird, you know? But I do know that I’m definitely getting my money’s worth out of this university: knowledge is power and whatnot.’