Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
Last week the UKrant had the pleasure of breaking some historic news.
‘The university is not a housing corporation, nor is it a port-a-loo company, or an electricity or internet provider’, said an administrator, sitting down to his breakfast under a rock. His jaw dropped in what at first appeared to be astonishment, however after a moment it unhinged and he swallowed his aforementioned meal like a snake. ‘We’re not Lefier.’ He continued, regurgitating a fork. ‘As such, we will stop providing all these extra charity services we’ve wasted money on for so long.’
Later that day the university released an official report clarifying their plan.
‘Starting next month, all non-academic services at the university will be cut, including electricity, wifi, and water. This includes plumbing to drinking fountains and lavatory facilities.’
‘Our job is academic training,’ said an administrator. ‘It’s not our problem if those idiot foreigners didn’t know they would need light to study. They should have brought a flashlight, or a least a candle. Should these selfish, greedy children, who are paying upwards of 12,000 euros per year be given everything that they want? Absolutely not. Bathrooms, running water, these things have nothing to do with education. If they continue to suckle at the teat of the university they will become spoiled, without a sense of responsibility. How unbelievably irritating.’
Student groups have protested the move, saying that internationals and dutchies alike would be willing to pay for the cost of lighting, wifi, and toilets, either in their tuition or in a separate payment, but their proposals have been met with scorn.
‘Insane,’ said a spokesperson for the university. ‘One would expect that these supposedly smart students would agree with us, being undoubtedly familiar with the concepts of responsibility, critical thinking, and fairness… but I digress. We can’t have the university, a publicly funded institution, competing with the private sector like that. How would the candle, bathroom, and energy companies keep up? It especially wouldn’t be fair to the Dutch students, who at this point have probably been paying taxes for, like, almost five years. If the university included utilities or any non academic services, they would be propping up all the dirty internationals, who definitely don’t ALSO pay taxes AND have tuition rates of up to 12.000 euros per year.’
The university insists that international students are not welc- er… most welcome here, and will continue to advertise heavily to them. However, recruiters will now be sure to alert them to the fact that they have to show a little responsibility if they want to live here.
The task of the university is academic training. If students need to use the bathroom, they can just buy a pass from a nearby restaurant or something; if they need to see their books, they can buy a candle or flashlight; and if they’re thirsty, they can buy water.
You don’t like your tents? What’s wrong with you, you lazy, ungrateful foreigner. How dare you soil our pure academic institution with your demands? You want free handouts just because you’re paying tuition? Pathetic. The RUG is, after all, a university.
We don’t need this attitude here.
In other news:
- No consequences for man who attempted to sell bucket in alley as toilet.
- The municipality of Groningen has placed a limit on the amount of candles that can be manufactured every year and decreed that only 30 percent of them can be sold to students.