The slob, the stoner, or the ghost
What type of roommate do you have?
Door Ingrid Ştefan
By Ingrid Ştefan
Ingrid Ştefan
1. The ‘rules don’t apply to me’ roommate
Easy to recognise by the excessive use of the word ‘bullshit’, the ‘rules don’t apply to me’ roommate can usually be heard complaining about something, because nothing is their responsibility or their fault.
No clean dishes in the cupboard because someone didn’t do the washing up? They never even looked at the cleaning schedule. Responding to the group chat? Too much of a hassle. Maybe they’ll answer a private message about the dozens of letters that keep piling up at the doorway, but even that’s not guaranteed.
Paying for stuff is also simply not in their nature. They do like quite a luxurious lifestyle, though, so if you’re wondering who keeps turning the heating to 25 degrees Celsius, it’s most likely them. But beware, because when the landlord shows up with an insane utility bill, they’ll probably be like, ‘I’m not paying for that shit!’
2. The slob
Afraid the epic mess in your house will attract vermin? The roommate that never cleans is an all-time classic. Everyone’s lived with one at some point in their life. And they’re easy to spot as well by the dishes mounting up in the sink, the smell of trash not taken out, or, worst of all, the pigsty they call a room.
Whether it’s because of exam season or just because they’re going through a ‘rough patch’, they’ll always have an excuse at the ready not to clean. Expect a plea for forgiveness and a promise to make things right. They may even say they’ll clean the whole house, but don’t let yourself be fooled by empty promises. You can nag them all you want, they’re just not bothered. Next week, you’ll be taking the trash out again in their stead.
3. The nitpicker
Talking about nagging, the nitpicker is definitely a master of it. Remember that one time you accidentally left the bathroom light on? If not, you will, because the nitpicker will never let you forget it.
Brace yourself for that annoying text in the group chat reminding you just how irresponsible you are, because public shaming is how the nitpicker likes to operate. And don’t forget about the dozen of passive-aggressive notes on the fridge, sweet reminders of all the things you absolutely MUST do, and immediately, too. It’s like you’re a child again, getting nagged by your mother about cleaning your room.
The nitpicker may not be here to make friends, but they surely know how to stir up some family drama.
4. The noisemaker
Do you often wake at ridiculously early hours to the sound of Shakira’s tunes blasting through the house? There’s only one roommate that could be responsible for this and that’s the noisemaker, who turns up the volume regardless of time. Usually, you can usually find them cooking at 7 a.m. to the soothing sounds of TikToks.
If they’re not listening to something, that’s only because they’re on a video call. Don’t worry about eavesdropping though, you’ll hear every word of that conversation anyway, no matter how private it is.
But the noisemaker is the worst when they come back tipsy from a night out. All those slammed doors and loud singing outbursts will have you seriously considering buying all the earplugs you can find at the nearest drugstore.
5. The borrower
Private property? That’s not something the borrower’s ever heard of. It’s not that they’re a communist, they just believe everything within the shared space is, well, shared. They would never steal your stuff, just use it without your permission whenever it’s convenient. You may find your pots and pans unwashed in the sink one day, maybe even burnt a little, when you’re sure you left them in the kitchen cupboard. Basically, they were for EVERYONE to use. At least, that’s how the borrower sees it.
It may not be easy to spot a borrower, so keep an eye out for the first signs. These may be small things, like one of your eggs going missing, your shampoo bottle feeling lighter, or just a scratch on your plate that wasn’t there before.
6. The ghost
No one’s really seen them for a long time, and some may even wonder if they’re alive or not. But worry not, because that’s just what the ghost roommate is like. They may honour you with their presence every once in a while, but they’ll never stay for more than a two-minute conversation.
Don’t get too attached to them, because like Cinderella at the ball, they usually vanish just as you’ve noticed their presence. Where have they gone? That’s a question no one can answer. It could be their place of work, it could be their girlfriends’ place, but it might as well be the Anonymous Alcoholics club. It’s not like you’ll ever find out.
But hey, you get to enjoy the benefits of freedom and alone time, while also evenly splitting rent and utilities. It’s the best of both worlds.
7. The stoner
The smell of weed coming from their bedroom is unavoidable, and if you’re not looking to get high, avoid going in there, because the hot-box effect might get to your head pretty quickly. In no time you’ll be wondering why you’re suddenly so calm and unstressed.
Otherwise, though, the stoner is a friendly and relaxed roommate who keeps themselves out of the house drama. And you can count on them for a good chat and a pleasant evening indoors, because despite living in a messy room where clothes are thrown all over the place, they’ll never forget where their stash and their grinder are and they are always down to hang out and share a joint.