Door Ingrid Ştefan
By Ingrid Ştefan
Ingrid Ştefan
You grew up together, saw each other every day for years. But now you’re going off to study on the other side of the country or even the world, leaving your friends behind.
No one really warns you about the challenges of a long-distance friendship when you move away to start a new chapter of your life. How do you keep the flame alive when there’s hundreds or even thousands of kilometres between you and your besties? Is your bond really as unbreakable as you think it is?
Not seeing each other
‘When I left, everyone was crying’, recalls Bulgarian arts, culture, and media student Eliza of the goodbye from the friends she’d had since first grade. When she decided to study in Groningen, she had known that not seeing them was part of the deal, but it still hit her hard barely a few months after moving here. Sure, she could see her friends three times a year when she went back home, but there would still be months in between those visits.
As the farewell tears dry, fears and expectations set in. Humans make hundreds of friends in their lifetime, but only one in twelve friendships last. So the big question is: are you two that one in twelve? Can your friendship withstand the distance?
Keeping in touch
‘When I left, I was scared that we wouldn’t keep in touch, worried they’d make new friends and forget me’, explains Manan, an economics and business student. She had known her friends for twelve years, but she still wondered what would happen to their bond.
Mathematics and physics student Kian tackled this head-on by setting aside time weekly for his friends back in India. ‘Despite the time difference, we play poker on Discord every Saturday night’, he says.
We play poker on Discord every Saturday night
Eliza and her friends text almost daily. ‘And we schedule a video call once a week, just to catch up and check up on one another.’
Manan, too, is texting her friends as often as possible, and every once in a while they call each other. To her, it’s about continuing to do what connects you, even in a different setting. ‘Gossiping is still our go-to activity’, she says.
Acceptance
According to research by American university UCLA, regular contact with friends correlates with positive health benefits. But can digital interactions really replace the dopamine you get from hanging out daily?
No, Eliza thinks. ‘I had to accept that we all take our own path. I miss them a lot, obviously, but that’s just what adult relationships look like: you don’t see each other as often.’
Chathuri, a master student from Sri Lanka, also believes acceptance is the key to a successful long-distance friendship. That and WhatsApp, which is a life-saver for catching up with her best friend. ‘Our connection has changed a lot since I left, but there’s something good in that. Now that we have allocated time just for us, we know each other better’, she explains. ‘You’d expect it to be the other way around, but it’s not. At least not for me.’
Less contact
Even with the tools of the modern age, one thing is for sure: there will be less contact. Life still gets in the way. ‘I’m not texting with my best friends from Slovakia 24/7. We have our personal lives and responsibilities now’, explains Natalia, an international relations student.
Now that we have allocated time just for us, we know each other better
There’s a fine line between less contact and no contact, though. Natalia has caught herself distancing herself from her two best friends in Slovakia, especially during exam season. ‘But we talked about how we felt and everything was all right again.’
So you just need to find ways around that packed schedule. Because communication is key. ‘My friends and I have created a balance based on trust. I know they’ll be there whenever I really need them’, Natalia says.
Chathuri also has a rule of thumb: ‘If you’re in a very bad headspace, just let me know. If it’s an emergency, then I’ll make time for it’, she says.
Icebreaker
Sometimes, however, it’s really not that complicated. A meme or a reel can say ‘I’m alive and I care’ just as well.
‘I kept whole friendships with people I didn’t expect to just because of this’, says astronomy student Iustin. ‘Funny things like that make it easier to start a conversation. It’s like an icebreaker, and there’s no active effort involved.’
However, even with a low-maintenance friendship, the worries are still there. ‘For a long time, I was afraid that we’d steadily drift away from each other’, Iustin says. ‘But then every time I went home, we picked up where we left off. It was like nothing had changed. Now I know we’ll be there for each other whatever happens.’
Drifting apart
Still, that doesn’t apply to every friendship. ‘Lives change, people change. I grew apart from the person I once used to call my best friend’, Iustin says. Because even if you try to make things work, sometimes that effort just isn’t reciprocated.
‘You keep trying and trying until it finally hits you: you’re writing to that person just for the sake of it. You don’t care about them anymore’, Iustin explains.
But the end of a friendship is not an easy thing to accept.
I don’t even know what to talk about with my best friend
Aydia, an English literature student, is still somewhere between denial and realisation. ‘Me and my best friend, we used to be so close. But now I don’t even know what to talk to her about, it feels weird’, she says. ‘Whenever I think about her, I remember her like she was last year. But she’s another person now.’
You shouldn’t give up too soon though, Natalia thinks. ‘Better to hold on for a little while longer in hopes of a friendship revival.’
Letting go
Though even for the sheer optimists, there comes a time when you have to realise: this is it. Just as babies can recognise the feeling of friendship even before they can talk, you need to know when a friendship has reached its expiration date. ‘Sometimes, you have to let a good thing die’, Iustin says.
That might be sad, but it’s the way it is. Sometimes, you’re forced to sit down and make a decision: what are the friendships worth investing in? And which ones are you ready to let go of?
There’s no one answer to that question. But you can spot some of the cues: if you’re not at all a priority anymore, if you constantly give more than you take, or if there’s just no connection regardless of how much you try, then it’s high time you moved on.
‘Things that are meant to be, will be’, Iustin says. ‘If you have to try too hard, then maybe it’s not a good relationship anymore.’