Non-violent communication
‘We want to connect people’
Door Lotte Kruijer
By Lotte Kruijer
Lotte Kruijer
There was a time when Giu wasn’t doing well at all. He was incredibly depressed and struggling with his identity. ‘I had a lot of questions and very few answers’, he says. ‘I kept searching, until I started reading about non-violent communication.’ This way of communicating was developed by American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. ‘Even before I’d finished his book, I noticed that my relationship with my family was changing. I was so enthusiastic that I went to the website. I wanted more.’ ‘
It’s been a few years since then. Giu Valentini (33) has moved from Brazil to the Netherlands, is studying psychology, and is working to become an official trainer in non-violent communication (NVC). And his depression? It’s gone.
‘It was particularly my anger that got in the way of things’, he says. ‘By using non-violent communication, I learned how to listen to what I needed instead of reacting solely on the basis of my thoughts. It became much clearer to me what not just I needed, but what other people needed as well.’
Workshops
His mission was clear: he wanted to introduce non-violent communication to others. But how? ‘I wanted to share these skills with other people, probably students, but I didn’t have a plan of attack.’
It became much clearer to me what I needed
His fellow psychology student Stefanos Zelkas Sapountzis (22) was able to help: he suggested organising workshops.
‘Before I came to the Netherlands to attend university, I already had the idea to organise something for students and practise practical skills to help us communicate with others’, says Stefanos in the Heymans cafeteria, where the pair is telling their story.
Stefanos and Giu started talking after one of their first exams, and that’s when the ball started rolling. Giu was working on his training, which required him to give his own training. Stefanos wanted to know more about non-violent communication and wanted to help: thus, the idea for a workshop was born.
Underlying feelings
They started with a four-week introductory course, which people can attend for free. Because Stefanos didn’t know enough about the material yet, he joined the course himself. In addition, he helped Giu with the practical aspects of organising the whole thing, and recruited students.
You just keep developing new skills
‘Setting up the course was kind of a challenge. You can never know what people think of it or what the group dynamics will be like’, says Giu. ‘I couldn’t have done it without Stefanos. It was really helpful to be able to exchange ideas and feedback. Stefanos’ way of looking at things was really nice.’
But what exactly is non-violent communication? The starting principle is learning to observe your thoughts and translate them into the underlying feelings. That way, you can investigate what it is you truly need. The goal is to then come up with a concrete question or proposal to allow you to fulfil that need, either on your own or with the help of others, instead of demanding something from people. The course participants work on these starting points.
Honest and sincere
‘Each session is different, but they all focus on these core concepts’, Giu explains. One element in the sessions is ‘the dance floor’. One person tells the rest about a difficult situation, for instance someone in their life who won’t stop whining and who they can no longer stand. The group works together to create a ‘map’ on the floor, figuring out the best way to resolve the situation that keeps both parties’ needs in mind, preventing people from getting angry or responding with fake politeness and instead being honest and sincere.
Someone genuinely listening to you is really special
They also use tiaras with animals on them: the giraffe represents responding in accordance with the NVC method, while the jackal symbolises how we’ve been taught to respond, with labels and judgement. ‘During a workshop, we ask the students to respond to a situation in both ways. It’s an interactive way of teaching the method.’
Dozens of students had signed up, but in the end, fourteen of them remained. They were eager to continue the training. Giu and Stefanos were very happy, as they wanted to continue the workshops. ‘This is just the beginning’, says Stefanos. ‘There’s so much more to learn. You just keep developing new skills.’
Searching for yourself
The pair says it’s important for students to learn these skills, and not just if they plan on going into a field that focuses on interacting with people, like they are. ‘They’re at an age where they’re really searching for themselves. That’s how I was all those years ago’, says Giu. Non-violent communication, they think, can help people get to know and understand themselves better. After all, most people want to be liked and tend to focus on other people’s opinions. This suppresses their own needs.
In the meantime, Giu and Stefanos have started setting up their next project: The Empathy Club, a group of people that meet every week for discussions, chatting, and the occasional non-violent communication workshop. ‘We want to do this because it connects people, and that’s very important to us’, says Stefanos. ‘I have a few good friends who are always there for me, but someone genuinely listening to you is really special.’
That’s what they want to teach the people in the club: to truly be there for others. ‘It’s a community, but everyone’s welcome to join’, says Stefanos.
The course won’t turn you into some kind of Zen Buddhist, says Giu. ‘I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and I still have a lot of anger.’ But, he says, you do become more aware of yourself, and you can gain more control over your life. ‘It’s made me more authentic, and that’s a great feeling. We want to share that with others.’
Would you like more information? You can email Giu: [email protected]