When Lauren, a second-year media studies student, moved from Saudi Arabia to Groningen, she had expected her life to look like one of those American movies with students sitting in front of the university chatting or throwing a ball around. And for just a little while, it did. 

‘I came here during KEI week, and I thought that’s what my social life would be like, except a bit more toned down on the parties’, she says. But as university started and she settled into living alone in her studio, a feeling of emptiness crept up on her. 

In November, after the first exam period, the loneliness really hit her, and she’s been struggling with it ever since. It’s not that she doesn’t have friends, but most of them live outside Groningen, which makes it hard to meet up more than once a week. There are also cultural barriers that keep her from connecting or relating to other students. 

‘It’s a mix between isolation and a lack of belonging’, she explains. ‘But it’s constantly there, a depressing feeling running in the background.’ Sometimes, it makes her wonder what she is even doing here. And she’s not the only one to feel this way.

Pandemic

A survey conducted by UKrant among 318 UG students shows that 9.4 percent of them feel lonely all the time, with 27 percent regularly feeling that way. Another 36.5 percent reported feeling lonely only a bit, while 27 percent didn’t feel lonely at all. 

I thought my social life would be like KEI week

Those are significantly better numbers than during the COVID-19 pandemic, when another UKrant survey pointed to only 9.1 percent of 995 UG students not experiencing loneliness. Back in 2021, loneliness was a problem for nine out of ten students, with numbers reporting that 46 percent struggled with the feeling regularly, and 11.7 percent always. 

The Higher Education Monitor of the Trimbos Institute indicates a similar decrease among students at a national level. Compared to 79 percent in 2021, 62 percent of students in 2023 said they feel somewhat to very lonely.

Even so, that doesn’t make it less of a problem, thinks Luzia Heu, a loneliness researcher at the University of Utrecht. ‘What’s as important is how often people feel lonely or how strong that feeling is’, she explains. ‘We also have to approach loneliness based on its different causes. We need to do more than what’s currently being done, which is mostly encouraging more social contact.’

Transient feeling

It’s no surprise to her that students feel lonely, either. ‘Research shows that loneliness is not only common among the elderly, but the young too.’ Different factors play into that: young people distance themselves from family, often don’t have a stable social network and are extra sensitive to social rejections.

‘For students, a transition like moving abroad or just leaving their familiar context can trigger loneliness’, Heu says. That’s typically transient or situational loneliness, a short-lived feeling that emerges from a certain event. It’s different from chronic loneliness, which some people may experience their entire lives. ‘There’s no consensus on the cut-off point between the two. It’s hard to tell when one becomes the other.’

What students, and many people generally struggle with is mostly situational, she explains. For internationals in particular, cultural barriers can also contribute to that. ‘Because it may be harder to understand each other properly, which leads to a lack of connection and ultimately, loneliness.’

Cultural barriers

According to the survey, 47.7 percent of students have trouble connecting to others and 43.2 percent wished they had more close friends. Ema – a pseudonym – a sixth-year medicine student from Romania, is one of them. ‘I constantly feel like there’s a glass bell above me’, she says. ‘I see people, I hear them, but I can’t connect.’

A big part of it is the cultural barriers Heu was talking about. ‘The people in medicine are mostly Dutch. And even if you speak the language fluently, you’re still not one of them’, she says. She’s often tried to integrate with her Dutch colleagues, but felt ignored or ‘tolerated yet not invited’. ‘That makes you feel isolated.’

I constantly feel like there’s a glass bell above me 

The lack of age-appropriate activities is also a factor, she thinks. ‘As a twenty-five-year-old, I don’t have the energy to go out and party like most students do’, she says. That’s one of the reasons why she feels student associations don’t fit her.

But students who did join a student association or sports club report feeling a bit less lonely than their non-member counterparts: 32 percent versus 42 percent. But it’s not a clear-cut remedy.

Lauren, too, tried a study association. ‘There was so much middle school drama, that it didn’t help with the sense of belonging’, she says. She also tried a dance club, but because it was all Dutch, she had a hard time fitting in. ‘Everyone speaks Dutch, and I just sit awkwardly in a corner during the breaks.’

Lonely or alone

Even so, Jasperina Brouwer, a UG assistant professor focusing on social networks, thinks it’s important to understand the difference between the perception of loneliness and actual isolation. ‘You can have a huge network, but if you don’t match, then you’ll still feel very lonely’, she explains. ‘Being isolated means you only have a few connections, but in student networks, we see mostly a perceived feeling of loneliness.’

Heu agrees. ‘You can feel isolated even when you’re not. This comes from a discrepancy between the relationships that we have and those that we desire ideally.’

That’s something Luca Bachiri, an American third-year physics student, struggles with. While two years ago he was self-isolating a lot, nowadays he does have a stable social network. Yet still, sometimes, he feels like something is missing. 

‘I have very high standards, which makes it hard to relate to others’, he says. ‘I’ve been trying for years to find like-minded people. I don’t know if it’s a pipe dream.’ Even in those spaces where he does find similar people, he says it’s unlikely for him to find someone with matching energy. ‘Maybe my brain’s attaching itself to dissimilarities because it feels comfortable doing that.’

Taboo

Students have a hard time talking about their loneliness, the survey shows: 43.1 percent of them are ashamed to admit it. For Lauren, it’s because her friends always take it as a joke. ‘They say they feel the same way and change the subject. It’s never serious.’

Don’t blame yourself or think that you’re alone

Heu thinks loneliness has different meanings in each culture, and that might contribute to the taboo. ‘For example, in a competitive independent culture, saying you’re lonely might feel like admitting failure, like there’s something wrong with you’, she says. ‘Also, if you tell friends or partners about it, there might be a fear that you could hurt or insult them.’

Part of the solution is to normalise talking about loneliness, Heu thinks. ‘Just by communicating how normal this is, it can become less taboo’. But that shouldn’t be the burden of people who feel lonely.  ‘Breaking the societal stigma is on the institutions’, she says. 

She also recognises that some institutions have already taken a step in that direction. ‘At Utrecht University, there are more campaigns about it nowadays’, she says. For example, people from clinical psychology organised a support group where students regularly discuss loneliness. 

Solutions

That’s just one step though. But there’s no one-size-fits-all solution to loneliness, because it’s such a subjective feeling, Heu thinks. ‘It’s important to approach it based on the specific cause behind it.’

That’s why her biggest piece of advice is to understand your loneliness. ‘Focus on solving the why of the issue, not the symptoms.’ What also helps in the meantime is accepting that it’s a common experience at this age. ‘Don’t blame yourself or think that you’re alone.’

She also recommends connecting with people in similar situations. ‘It helps to share your experiences, to get support by understanding each other’, she explains. ‘If it gets too overwhelming, and you don’t understand why, seek professional help.’

Brouwer thinks part of the solution is being aware of the social capital one has. 

‘There are many resources in your network, like support from friends or instrumental help from the university in the form of therapy’, she says. ‘It’s important to ask yourself: What resource do I need? Where can I go?’ 

Expectation management can help too, both researchers stress. ‘Movies or series present us with a lot of very demanding ideals from relations, which can make us feel dissatisfied’, Heu explains. But you should take those images with a grain of salt, just as Lauren realised when her Hollywood movie didn’t match reality. ‘No one is happy all the time’, says Brouwer. ‘Loneliness is a part of life.’

Dutch