There is no News


Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.

James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.

Everything in the Netherlands seems flat in comparison to the ongoing literal dumpster fire that is the United States

The recent indictment of Paul Manafort and Rick Gates has left a local columnist feeling like nothing in the Netherlands is interesting any more. It isn’t run by an orange man-baby, upper level government employees probably aren’t involved in any massive money laundering operations, and there aren’t even any mass shootings.

‘It’s so boring’, lamented the columnist. ‘At least there was that weirdo Geert that I could make fun of, but really he’s just a budget Alex Jones or Sean Hannity.’

The columnist has reportedly used humor as an emotional defense mechanism for most of his life, and now, here in the Netherlands there’s nothing to defend against. There may be a madman running his country, but that’s on the other side of the Atlantic ocean. He wakes up every morning feeling comforted by the knowledge that the leaders of the Netherlands don’t think that climate change is a hoax invented by the Chinese (Trump actually said this).

Americans still without power in the devastated Puerto Rico can take comfort in the fact that the overcooked roast of a president that abandoned them may at any moment drop dead of a heart attack because he hasn’t exercised since college. He actually believes that the human body is like a battery and when you run out of energy you die.

How is a certain local columnist supposed to make fun of anything here in boring old Groningen when things like that are actually. Really. Happening. FOR. REAL. IN. THE. US? TRUMP JUST SAID TO THE JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER THAT HE ‘DIDN’T KNOW THERE WERE SO MANY COUNTRIES’. aaaAAAHHHHH!


In other news, Ben Feringa, who is the biggest deal ever, just did something to do with chemistry, and did you hear that he won a Nobel prize last year? Geert Wilders, Moroccans, homeless international students living in tents, deep fried food, censorship, Yantai, Yantai, Yantai.



De spelregels voor reageren: blijf on topic, geen herhalingen, geen URLs, geen haatspraak en beledigingen. / The rules for commenting: stay on topic, don't repeat yourself, no URLs, no hate speech or insults.

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here