Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
Last week it was announced that the board of Vindicat would not be receiving this year’s committee grants. The disciplinary measure comes in response to several infractions, including an unreported incident at the Vindicat building wherein a student was beaten up by several others.
The university hopes that denying the grants will be enough to cause the organisation to come to their senses, but Vindicat leadership has reportedly been unperturbed. At a press conference last week they announced plans to make back the money.
‘After the enormous success of our trial period last year with sushi mall, we at Vindicat are proud to announce the official launch of our protection racket,’ said former rector Stijn Derksen. ‘There are plenty of nice businesses in Groningen, and it would really be a shame if something were to happen to them.’
Vindicat claims that they alone are in the position to protect the businesses of Groningen from the threats they face on a daily basis.
‘And this system, works, folks,’ continued Derksen. ‘We’re providing a valuable service. Just look at sushi mall. We were partnered with them last year in order to conduct market research, and the very same week they decided they didn’t need our protection any more, their restaurant got absolutely trashed.’
Growing an Empire
Squads of Vindicat members have been out in force. Hundreds of businesses and institutions around Groningen, including the Ukrant itself have been solicited to buy into the scheme.
We were hesitant at first, but the cricket bats and lead pipes they presented as evidence were remarkably convincing.
NOOT REDACTIE: De UK publiceert de column van James Young sinds begin 2017, aanvankelijk alleen in de Engelse sectie van Ukrant.nl. Op veler verzoek plaatsen we zijn column vanaf nu (onvertaald) ook in de Nederlandse.